The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast: (SERIES) Navigating The Shifts In Marriage After Kids - Partnership

Welcome back to another episode of the Marriage and Motherhood podcast. In this episode, we're diving into how marriage evolves after you become parents. This topic is relevant to both new and seasoned parents, offering insights and practical advice to help you navigate the changes that parenthood brings to your relationship.

The Changing Dynamics of Partnership

Partnership Before Parenthood

Before you have kids, partnership primarily revolves around mutual decision-making, consultation on important matters, and offering each other support. These principles still hold post-parenthood but on a much different scale. Before kids, it's simpler: Do we make decisions together? Do you consult with me on big matters? Are you helpful to me? Do I feel like we're a team?

The Shift Post-Parenthood

After kids, the specificity of roles becomes more critical. Our expectations for our partners drastically increase. The granular details—like "Who's going to do what?" need clear definition.

Defining Roles: Traditional vs. Non-Traditional

As parents, defining roles becomes crucial. Are you more inclined towards traditional roles, where tasks are divided based on gender norms? Or do you prefer a non-traditional setup? Many couples don't explore this until they're in the thick of it, often due to lack of prior discussions or guidance.

For those without a mentor or guide, figuring it out in real-time while dealing with a newborn is incredibly challenging. Tasks fall into what can be considered "assumed responsibilities." If one partner starts doing something repeatedly, it silently becomes their job. Therefore, discussing and deciding each person’s role beforehand can prevent unsaid, assumptions and can mitigate resentment.

The Price of Resentment in Partnerships

Resentment is a weed that can grow and persist. Any inkling of resentment needs to be addressed immediately. This negative emotion can secretly but powerfully affect your overall life, your interaction with your spouse, and your relationship's health. Unsurfaced resentment can become the number one connection killer in a marriage.

Intentional Quality Time

Before kids, it's easy to arrange dates and spend quality time with your spouse. With children, it’s different and requires a lot of intentional effort. Parenting brings in a busy schedule filled with school activities, extracurricular programs, and more, which impacts both quality time and energy levels.

Parents often end up saying things should be their priority, like health or marriage. Yet, when you examine daily routines and weekly activities, often these priorities don't align with actual behaviors. If spending time together is important, treat it like any critical appointment and protect that time zealously.

Making Marriage a Priority

Your marriage should not be put on the back burner. Ensure that your connection continues to grow stronger. It's not just about going on glamorous dates but spending intentional, quality time together. It’s crucial to maintain consistent communication about your roles, expectations, goals, and values as parents and partners.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is a cornerstone. Effective communication helps in tackling issues like unfairly assumed roles, resentment, and unmet expectations. It is essential to continuously work on these skills; personal growth, awareness, and responsibility lead to more productive debates and fewer conflicts.

Summary

Navigating the changes in your marriage after becoming parents requires effort, communication, and intentionality. Defining roles, addressing resentment, prioritizing quality time, and maintaining open communication lines are key components. If you feel stuck, seeking help from a professional can provide invaluable tools and techniques to strengthen your partnership.

Remember, the goal is to work together towards a mutual vision of a happy, supportive family. Take these steps to nurture your relationship, and you will find the journey of parenthood a lot more rewarding and less daunting. Let this advice be your motivation to make the necessary changes today. Your marriage deserves it, your partner deserves it, and you deserve it!

For more support and discussions on how to navigate these changes, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram @michellepurtacoaching.