The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast: Why Slowing Down Can Transform Conflict in Your Marriage

How Slowing Down Can Transform Conflict in Your Marriage

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. It’s a natural part of being in a close, committed relationship. But arguments? Those are optional. If you’re in a marriage that feels like a never-ending cycle of arguments, you’re not alone—and this episode is for you. We’re going to explore how slowing down during conflict can lead to better communication, deeper understanding, and a stronger relationship.

Conflict Is Normal, But Arguments Don’t Have to Be

Conflict often arises because two people have different perspectives, needs, or experiences. That’s normal. The real issue isn’t the conflict itself; it’s how we navigate it. Unfortunately, many of us weren’t taught how to communicate effectively during moments of tension. Instead, we may rely on unhealthy habits we picked up from childhood or past relationships.

The good news? You can break the cycle. You can learn to approach conflict in a way that brings you closer together, rather than tearing you apart.

Why Slowing Down Is So Important

When emotions are running high, our instinct is often to act quickly. We want to resolve the issue, avoid discomfort, or prove our point. But rushing through conflict often leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and more arguments. Here’s why slowing down makes all the difference:

1. Increased Presence: When you slow down, you become more present in the conversation. You’re able to notice your partner’s body language, tone, and words more clearly. This helps you truly understand what they’re trying to communicate.

2. Listening to Understand, Not to Respond: Slowing down allows you to listen with the intent of understanding your partner, rather than thinking about how you’ll respond. Feeling understood fosters connection and keeps both people engaged in the conversation.

3. Intentionality: Taking your time means you can choose your words more carefully. You can express your feelings and needs with kindness and respect, which makes your partner more likely to stay open and collaborative.

4. Better Responsiveness: Slowing down helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally. This prevents the back-and-forth defensiveness that often turns a conflict into a fight.

5. More Productive Outcomes: When you’re calm and intentional, you and your partner can work together to find a resolution that works for both of you. You’re less likely to walk away feeling hurt, disconnected, or unsure of where you stand.

Practical Tips for Slowing Down During Conflict

If you’re ready to start slowing down but aren’t sure how, here are some actionable steps to get you started:

1. Pause Before Speaking
The first step is to give yourself a moment to pause. This doesn’t mean bottling up your emotions; it means taking time to reflect. Ask yourself:
- Why am I upset?
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I want to communicate to my partner?

This self-awareness will help you approach the conversation with clarity and purpose.

2. Reflect on Your Triggers
Our reactions to conflict are often tied to past experiences or unresolved emotions. Reflect on why a particular situation upset you. Was it a misunderstanding? Did it hit a deeper nerve? Understanding your triggers can help you respond with more intention.

3. Communicate at the Right Time
Timing matters. If you’re too emotional to have a productive conversation, it’s okay to take a break. Let your partner know you need a moment to gather your thoughts and that you’ll return to the conversation soon.

4. Practice Active Listening
When your partner is speaking, focus entirely on their words. Avoid interrupting or planning your response. Instead, show that you’re listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and paraphrasing what they’ve said to ensure you understand.

5. Use “I” Statements
Express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always make me feel….” This keeps the conversation constructive.

6. Take It One Step at a Time
Instead of trying to resolve everything at once, focus on one issue at a time. This prevents overwhelm and allows you to fully address each concern.

The Cooking Analogy: Why Preparation Matters

If you’re a foodie, this analogy might resonate with you. Think of conflict like making a hearty beef stew. You could throw all the ingredients into a pot and hope for the best, but the result will likely be mediocre. Or you could take the time to:
- Brown the meat for added flavor
- Saute the onions and garlic to create depth
- Layer the ingredients thoughtfully to let each flavor shine

The extra steps may take more time, but the result is a rich, delicious stew. Similarly, when you take the time to slow down and approach conflict with care, the outcome is a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Slowing down during conflict isn’t about ignoring your emotions or avoiding tough conversations. It’s about being intentional and present so that you can navigate challenges in a way that strengthens your bond.

Remember, this is a skill that takes practice. You’ll have slip-ups, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to growing as a communicator and showing up for your partner and your relationship.

So, the next time you feel the urge to rush into a conflict, pause. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that some things, when done slower, turn out better.

If you want help with feeling more confident during conflict, download my free Conflict To Connection guide here!